Two Nightstands
by kwayland
Summary: One shot based on the meta by thecaptainsoiree on tumblr. Basically, why, in the latest episode, did Dean have two nightstands instead of one as seen previously and why did he lay on the right side of the bed instead of the middle. My take on the explanation. Destiel...if you're looking for serious physicality however you might want to look elsewhere.


Dean had just finished brushing his teeth. He was running his tongue across the minty chill stinging his gums as he sauntered into his bedroom. His brain was screaming at his muscles to shift and move him back out his door and to Sam's, but Dean was stubborn enough to beat them. He'd already tried apologizing and it hadn't worked so there was no point in saying good night like a family would. According to Sam they were just business partners after all.

Dean shook those thoughts from his head as best he could but not soon enough. Cas, who was already settled in on the very left edge of his bed, admittedly on his side right where he was supposed to be, glanced up from one of Dean's books he was reading the back of, and raised his eyebrows. He knew something was up. How did he always know? Dean studiously ignored his gaze, turned his back, and pulled of his jeans and various upper body layers in exchange for a longer and more comfortable shirt. When he turned back around Cas' eyes were still on him as though they'd never left the entire time Dean had been changing and Dean decided to think nothing of it as he always did. Cas and him were falling into a routine; one that Dean was entirely sure he was comfortable with but there was no other option since they didn't have another bedroom and he didn't want to make Cas sleep on the couch. He should feel at home here. Which is why Dean had gone to all the effort to add a second nightstand and a second lamp. He didn't want to be the reason his best friend ever left the bunker again. It'd almost destroyed him last time.

Cas wasn't always at the bunker, however, because he was a busy man what with the angel war and everything. Dean was actually not entirely sure how Cas was still alive but he was glad he was. Whenever Cas wasn't home, Dean still slept on the right side of the full size bed even though the middle would've been better. He just couldn't sleep there anymore. He was too used to his side. He even missed Cas when he wasn't sleeping next to him. He missed the warmth, the deep, rhythmic breathing when Cas was asleep and Dean wasn't, and most of all the feeling that he wasn't alone. Fortunately, Cas was back. He'd been busy with a now dead Bartholomew. Dean had asked him about it but when Cas was obviously reluctant to share Dean dropped it. What Cas hadn't known is at this point it wouldn't have mattered to Dean what had gone down. He was tired of fighting; tired of not trusting the people he loved and them not trusting him.

Dean slipped under the covers cautiously so as to not disturb Cas' body. He remembered the first night he had allowed Cas to sleep here and all the fumbling and apologies that had been exchanged. There had been too much leg and arm touching that night. Way too much. Thank god they had that sorted out now. Cas was still watching him and it was beginning to get on Dean's nerves.

"What Cas?" he grumbled.

"Talk to me." Cas had adopted the phrase from Dean about a week ago and Dean was really wishing at this point that he hadn't ever said it. Maybe Cas would've left him alone if he didn't think that bridge had been crossed. And he wasn't wrong, it had been by Dean himself. All week Dean had just been grunting and giving monosyllabic answers to his plea but tonight, for some reason, he felt like he owed Cas.

"I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong with Sam. When I was making the decision, it felt like the right thing to do. I never thought he'd be angry like this. Pissed for a couple weeks, sure, but not angry enough to, like, disown me or something. He's it, Cas. He's the only family I've got left and I can't lose him. I can't."

"Can I make a suggestion?"

Dean rubbed his eyebrow in frustration and gestured with his hand for Cas to continue as he shimmied further down into the sheets so that only his head was left above them.

"Stop taking cheap shots at him. Stop being angry. Tell him what you just told me and then wait patiently. The problem isn't yours, Dean, it's for Sam to work out but you need to let him have the opportunity. Stop opening up the wounds. I would say to also listen to what Kevin said, whatever it was, but I think you did. Time, Dean. That's what Sam needs and maybe he needs it alone to figure out what he wants to do. I can promise you that he'll end up choosing you because you're all he's ever had too. Don't lose faith."

"You and faith," Dean grumbled, rolling over so that Cas couldn't see his eyes welling with tears. He surreptitiously wiped them away before returning his gaze to Cas, who was smiling down at him. He was still sitting up in bed as though he intended on reading the book he'd picked up. Dean knew he was probably right, but he wasn't going to acknowledge it. He simply shut off his nightstand light and closed his eyes. He knew he wasn't going to actually sleep which was why he was still on his back, but Cas didn't have to know that Dean could only sleep on his side or stomach.

Cas kept his light on and Dean wanted to reach across his body and shut it off so all his emotional vulnerability would just disappear with the light but he didn't want to break Cas' and his careful dance. He just laid there, with his eyes closed, trying to sing Led Zepplin in his head to distract his thoughts from Sam and the fact that he'd spent months now sharing a bed with his best friend. Eventually, however, he was tired of pretending and he whispered, "Hey, Cas, think you could turn off the light?"

"This book is quite fascinating," he murmured, tilting the cover of _The Hobbit_, which Charlie had lent Dean, so he could see. "Besides, we both know you weren't actually planning on sleeping."

"We do?" Dean asked. He just wanted Cas to leave him alone and go to sleep so he could suffer in silence. If he had to suffer, Dean much preferred it to be alone and entirely in his head without someone who knew exactly how his cogs turned watching him.

"You're on your back, Dean."

Dean pondered whether Cas could hear his thoughts while Cas returned to his book. Cas glanced humorously, albeit with a tinge of sadness, at Dean and said, "I've been watching you sleep for many years, Dean. I only sleep now because I'm so used to needing it from when I was human. But there was a time when I didn't need sleep and I was protecting you, which included while you were sleeping."

"That's fucking creepy, Cas."

"But true."

Dean shook his head and angrily thrust himself onto his side away from Cas. Did he have to be so irritating? If Cas knew Dean so well then he knew that Dean just wanted to be alone. The problem with having a bed mate is there was a severe lack of that. This was becoming one of the times where he wouldn't miss the warmth if Cas left. In fact, he wanted to kick Cas off to the couch but Dean couldn't bring himself to do it because Cas had done essentially nothing wrong. It was Dean who was to blame for his anger and irritation. _As usual_, he couldn't help thinking bitterly. _I'm to blame for everything that's gone wrong in my fucking life._

"Dean," Cas whispered, the quietest sound shattering Dean's thoughts, "Do you want me to leave?"

At that, Dean turned back to Cas and looked into his blue eyes which were dark in the minimal light. There was a softness and understanding there that Dean didn't even know Cas was capable of. In the past, Cas had trouble understanding human feelings but now, without Dean even being aware, he was the most human person he knew.

"No, Cas," he said, despite his better judgement. "I don't want you to leave."

"Then why does it seem like you want me to?"

"Because I did."

"Then why did you just..."

"Listen Cas," Dean interrupted. "You're basically family and you're...great but this is my bedroom and sometimes I just wish it was mine again. I'm fine, hell glad, that you're here but how about we cut some of the girl sleepover gossip stuff. Alright?"

"Of course, Dean. I just want you to know that I'm here for you and I also would like to tell you as a friend that letting people know how you're feeling will not only help you but your relationships in the long run."

Dean chuckled humorlessly too himself before sitting up, picking up his pillow, and hitting Cas right in the face with it. Cas smiled when the pillow dropped down to his lap and said, "Okay, okay, I'm done. Sorry. I'll just go back to my book."

Dean shot him a grateful grin and snatched the pillow from Cas' lap before wriggling back down into a comfortable position, this time on his stomach. He had no trouble now forgetting some of his troubles and relaxing. He shut his eyes and felt the gentle tugs of sleep pulling on his consciousness. He was floating away as Cas said "Hey, Dean?"

Dean wasn't sure what he said in reply or if he did at all but Cas continued anyways and Dean probably heard but the next morning he had no recollection of the words uttered. "I just wanted to let you know that you're beyond incredible. I don't think you hear that enough and that's my fault. Not yours. You, Dean Winchester, are one of the only things that's kept me alive. Okay sorry, I'm done."

Cas glanced over at Dean when he was done with his little speech and noticed his chest was moving up and down much slower than usual. He was asleep but Cas didn't mind. He didn't need those words to be consciously heard, just subconsciously, and hopefully that had been achieved.

Later that night, when Cas was still reading the rather fantastic children's story with strange creatures called dwarves and hobbits, Dean began shuddering and sweat was beading up on his face, slipping down onto his pillow. Cas became flustered not entirely sure what he was supposed to do, whether Dean would want to be woken up or not. He would probably see nightmares as a weakness and wouldn't want to know that Cas had seen him like this but on the other hand Cas could hardly bare Dean's pain. It was brutally obvious in the way he grimaced. It was a dream for god's sake. Humans were so strange.

Cas watched Dean for a while longer, fighting every instinct he had, before he couldn't stand it anymore. Screw whatever Dean would have preferred. No one should have to suffer through such a terrible dream, whatever it was. Cas reached over, breaking the careful contract between the two, and laid his hands carefully on Dean's shoulders before shaking moderately aggressively.

Dean came out of the dream like a battering ram through a door crashing through into consciousness. He was gulping air like he'd just ran up a hill and his green eyes flew open.

"Cas," he declared in the middle of two strangled breaths. Cas waited for his breathing to slow and his heart to return to normal before he withdrew his hands from his shoulders. Dean glanced around the bedroom, in some minor confusion, before images of his dream returned with a vengeance and he winced. "I was fine," he growled, "You didn't need to wake me."

"I know," Cas murmured. "I wasn't worried about you. I mean, I was, but I couldn't help it, Dean. I couldn't stand watching you suffer. I've seen too much of that to sit by and let it happen."  
"Yeah," Dean sighed, "I guess I can understand that." He used his arms to raise himself up to a sitting position and peered around his nightstand, patting it gently, searching for something. "Do you have water?"

"Of course. Here," Cas said and without question handed over his half-full glass of water. Dean downed it in a couple of gulps and silently handed the glass back to Cas who placed it back where it belonged. He didn't say a word about Dean drinking all of his water, he just gazed worriedly at Dean. Cas desired more than anything to know what it was about but he recalled Dean's request and kept his mouth shut and just waited. He took his own advice. Patience.

"Sam left. He hated everything about me. He didn't even glance back when he slammed the door. Cas, what if that actually happens? I can't live through that. I know it's selfish but I don't think Sam understands what it would do to me. I mean, Jesus, nothing even happened in that nightmare and you had to wake me up. Cas..."

Cas rubbed Dean's back in circles and grasped his hand tight in his own. "It won't happen, Dean. And if it does, you have me. You'll always have me. I'm not going anywhere."

"Why not?" Dean was gazing desperately up at him and Cas' breath was taken away by the ferocity and rawness of his eyes. What was he supposed to say to that? "Why would anybody stay with me? I destroy everything and everyone I care about it. Why hang around and wait for it to happen? I'm poison; a monster."

"Because you're not and we're family. You've always told me family doesn't abandon each other and I don't intend to. I'm not going to leave, Dean. I'm not going to leave, I'm not going to leave," Cas repeated over and over until he trailed off. Somewhere around the third repetition it sunk into Dean's brain and he clutched Cas into an uncomfortable hug. Cas' legs and arms were strained to keep himself from falling all over Dean and so he couldn't return the hug.

It had obviously been an in the moment decision because once Dean realized what he was doing he quickly pulled away but he didn't seem embarrassed or ashamed. He simply smiled and said, "Thank you, Cas."

"My pleasure. You should go back to sleep."

"You should sleep too, you know."

"I don't need to sleep, remember?" Cas teased. "But I think I will." He extended his hand to the light and switched it off before getting underneath the blankets and saying, "I think we've had enough sleepover talk, don't you?"

"Yes," Dean laughed and turned towards Cas this time as he closed his eyes. Cas kept himself turned towards Dean and shut his eyes to wait for sleep to come. He hadn't fallen asleep by the time the shuddering started up again but instead of waking Dean up Cas just curled his hand around Dean's, the barrier having been broken earlier, he wasn't unsure in doing so. His friend needed to know he was there and that was the easiest way to prove it.

The next morning when Dean woke up, he felt a gentle pressure against his left hand. He noticed that Cas was gripping that hand loosely and Dean didn't want to wake him up so he just left his hand there. Even though it wasn't something Dean traditionally did, he was grateful that Cas had made the effort to show that he cared. He didn't particularly like feeling like a charity case either but after last night he must have seemed like one. Dean realized then that he didn't want Cas to go anywhere or even sleep anywhere else and he would have to remember that the next time he wanted Cas to sleep on the couch.


End file.
